I've been wondering if it's time to write a blog about dating in LA (family please feel free to hit delete any time now) When I got thinking about this I realised that dating itself and also writing about dating is actually much more fun for other people than it is for me and what is this blog for if not to entertain!
One of the reasons for not writing about dating before now probably has something to do with me not actually going on dates. Those of you who know me well will know it's always been kind of my idea of hell. I can't explain why. I just find meeting up with a stranger over food or drinks (especially food!) weird even though I have no trouble talking to strangers most days. So throw LA and dating apps into the mix and I can only imagine how horrendous it can be. However! I am supposed to be creating a life here and the Scot tells me I just need to be open minded and chilled out about it and give it a go (he's very good at giving advice!) Hmmmmm.
I'm not keen on online dating, just because I'm much more into the idea of some sort of personal connection first but this is LA. It's huge and much harder to meet people here and if I ever do socialise it's with the Scot and generally people think we're a couple. So I thought I'd give it a go. It's hard work! These are my observations so far.
I'd be here all night if I started with the dos and don'ts of photographs so I'll just say if it involves animals or naked body parts (together or separately) don't.
Please have something to say (and don't make it weird) Am I being picky by wanting something more than 'Hey' and something less than a two page questionnaire? I've had both. How do you reply to 'Hey'? Do you say 'Hey' back? Then what?? And the questionnaire? Would you rather have a noisy neighbour or nosy neighbour? A droopy eye or a lisp? Would you rather stay up all night to babysit a crying baby or an irritating family member? That was just three out of the twenty one questions received on email.
Try to be at least open to the possibility of it not being a blatant 'hook up'. Can we at least meet first??? Texting me and asking me if I want to stay over after the first date we have planned is not ideal. Arranging for our first date to be in a bar called 'The Happy Ending' is also not ideal (especially as The Scot had to point out to me what that actually meant!)
Make me actually want to go out with you. Sorry, I know how that sounds but I'm not 17. The latest one (and in fact the inspiration/exasperation for this very blog) went like this;
Him - 'Want to heng' (I think he meant hang, he was very handsome so I gave him the benefit of the doubt)
Me - 'Ok, what do you want to do?'
Him - 'Go for a walk or watch Netflix'
Me - Silent bafflement for half an hour then 'Netflix? Aren't we supposed to go out before you invite me round?'
Him - Sure
The End. Of the texts, of that short lived relationship and probably also my foray into the world of internet dating!
From Liverpool to LA. Should be easy, right?
Lizards, Coyotes and Cats! Oh My!
I really like where we live now. This is the fifth place we've lived since we've been here and I really like it. It's an oasis of calm, an escape from the crazy city of LA. In the last place we lived (if you looked at the 'right' time) the view was of the ladies of the night. Yesterday I sat out with a book and watched a deer running down the hill behind Chris Pratt's house. Deers are fine (from a distance) lizards are not. There is one in my bedroom. Right now. I think it's moved in. I'm home alone. During the fifteen minute Mexican standoff I text the Scot - 'Can you talk? SOS' He called me back. An hour and a half later. During that time I thought he probably wouldn't be very good at helping anyway, I've seen him with insects and he's a wuss. However, apparently growing up in the Cayman Islands makes you an expert in dealing with lizards - 'Just deal with it, otherwise we will lose it and it will become a house lizard and we will never know where it is! I thought it was a real emergency!' An hour and a half!!
I don't know how to deal with it. I've asked it to leave. I've even opened the balcony door in the hope that it will. I thought about putting the cat in there but then I'd have to close the balcony door or the cat would escape and be eaten by coyotes! If I close the balcony door the cat will eat the lizard! Something will have to die so I don't have to live with a lizard. I thought the cat had already eaten a lizard when I saw her before, the Scot tells me that was fur balls (it didn't remotely resemble a ball once she was done!) This is the day I'm having. If I leave that balcony door open for much longer my room will be like the LA Zoo. Or a miniature Jurassic Park. Ooh I'm off to knock for Chris Pratt. He'll know what to do.
Going To the Dogs
So I arrived home tonight to find a valet at the end of the drive asking if I'd like him to park my car!? It turns out next door are having a house party so why wouldn't you have valet parking? This is just one of the weird and wonderful things about living here that I'm not sure I'll ever get used to. Here are a few more. Actually forget wonderful, most are just weird!
- there never seems to be a house number 1. Ever! I live in 2680. The road is about half a mile long and all of the houses are quite detached from each other.
- you cannot buy wine at Trader Joes using a driving licence as id unless it's from California (the driving licence, not the wine. Neither would surprise me.)
- it is illegal to pay someone to fix your car on your drive.
- you cannot turn right into the tiny country road by where we live between 7am & 10am. Remember turning right is like turning left in England, it's not causing any traffic jams. It's just so the police can hide in the bushes and give you a 'citation'. I'm not even really sure what one of those is but apparently people get them a lot here (see the next two points, these will also get you a citation and possibly even a prison sentence if you're really unlucky with your choice of location in shooting your firearms)
- they simply do not have roundabouts, just a stop sign every few hundred yards, even when there's nothing to stop for.
- you are not allowed to shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs (I kid you not, please see attached photo taken from the California Driver Handbook, used to pass my written test this week) You better choose a car park or a bike lane if this is your plan.
It's just dawned on me that all of these but one are all car related and what a difference a few months makes to my LA probs so I'll move on to another old favourite of mine - dogs! I know I've blogged about this topic but I just can't get to grips with it. At the risk of being politically incorrect, this time it's service dogs specifically. Now I know you're probably thinking how can she have a problem with the poor old guide dogs for the blind, we didn't think she was that bad. Oh no! These are 'emotional support' dogs. Their main method of transport (when not in a 'stroller') is a Louis Vuitton handbag and their owner is allowed to take them where they want, a favourite location being restaurants that normally don't allow dogs. They are given paperwork to prove this. Heaven forbid if you ask to see the paperwork because you just don't believe that this dog is offering any kind of emotional support whatsoever because it's too busy trying to figure out how to get out of its pink leopard skin tank top and matching shoes!
I caved and got a car, if my next blog is about my new dog someone please come and take me home!
- there never seems to be a house number 1. Ever! I live in 2680. The road is about half a mile long and all of the houses are quite detached from each other.
- you cannot buy wine at Trader Joes using a driving licence as id unless it's from California (the driving licence, not the wine. Neither would surprise me.)
- it is illegal to pay someone to fix your car on your drive.
- you cannot turn right into the tiny country road by where we live between 7am & 10am. Remember turning right is like turning left in England, it's not causing any traffic jams. It's just so the police can hide in the bushes and give you a 'citation'. I'm not even really sure what one of those is but apparently people get them a lot here (see the next two points, these will also get you a citation and possibly even a prison sentence if you're really unlucky with your choice of location in shooting your firearms)
- they simply do not have roundabouts, just a stop sign every few hundred yards, even when there's nothing to stop for.
- you are not allowed to shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs (I kid you not, please see attached photo taken from the California Driver Handbook, used to pass my written test this week) You better choose a car park or a bike lane if this is your plan.
It's just dawned on me that all of these but one are all car related and what a difference a few months makes to my LA probs so I'll move on to another old favourite of mine - dogs! I know I've blogged about this topic but I just can't get to grips with it. At the risk of being politically incorrect, this time it's service dogs specifically. Now I know you're probably thinking how can she have a problem with the poor old guide dogs for the blind, we didn't think she was that bad. Oh no! These are 'emotional support' dogs. Their main method of transport (when not in a 'stroller') is a Louis Vuitton handbag and their owner is allowed to take them where they want, a favourite location being restaurants that normally don't allow dogs. They are given paperwork to prove this. Heaven forbid if you ask to see the paperwork because you just don't believe that this dog is offering any kind of emotional support whatsoever because it's too busy trying to figure out how to get out of its pink leopard skin tank top and matching shoes!
I caved and got a car, if my next blog is about my new dog someone please come and take me home!
Parking mad
So the big news is I have a car!!!!!! Oh and the other thing to tell you is I'm writing this on the bus. Where a spotty twenty year old has just asked for my number! Why oh why am I on the bus? Why do I put myself through this torture? So many things to say.
Firstly the twenty year old. He wanted to know where I was going, why I was going there. I was stand off ish and didn't tell him. He didn't give up. What is your job? So what did I say???? Oh I told him I was an actress. Again why oh why? Why didn't I lie? On the packed bus, in front of all those people. He asked me is there much demand for it here???? I said (again stand off ish) It's LA???? He then asked for my number. When I said no he said it was so I could help him be an actor. I told him to google it. At this point I was nearly crying thinking of my brand new shiny car parked outside my apartment!
So back to that. The car is amazing, so why aren't I driving the damn thing?
1 - Parking, part one.
Parking where we live is horrendous. I can be driving around for half an hour looking for a space only to abandon it on Santa Monica Blvd where I have to move it before 8am the next day. When I do get a space (like today at 715am) I don't want to lose it so I leave it there.
2 - Parking, part two.
Parking where you are going to is never easy. You need to get there half an hour early to decipher the signs. For example. Sign 1 - no parking 10pm to 6am (great, you think, it's 11am) Sign 2 - no parking on Fridays 11am - 2pm for street cleaning (great, you think, it's Wednesday) Sign 3 - No stopping at any time (is parking stopping????)
3 - Driving it.
Driving in LA (like lots of things here) is exhausting. I know this isn't just an LA thing but why can't everyone just stop on a red light? You can turn right on a red light but you have to give way to pedestrians crossing to your right, cars coming from the opposite direction turning left if they are on a green arrow (how do I know???) oh and not to mention the people behind you beeping because you're not doing all that quickly enough! Why can't we all stop on red and go on green?
Oh and the lanes. Pick a lane, any lane, stay in it, don't stay in it, overtake, undertake, anything you like really!
4 - Traffic.
This is another thing LA people complain about ALL THE TIME. How bad can it be? Oh it's bad. I've never seen anything like it. I've been in traffic on the freeway at 5am. Who are these people? Where are they going?
5- Other stuff.
This is on me not LA but driving for 20 years in one country is definitely habit forming. To be fair I've only driven on the left hand side once but how often (when I do drive it) do I go to get in the wrong side of the car? Hmm at least once a day.
The gear stick (yes I have one of those, as my dad pointed out no one will steal the car!) is on the wrong side! When the Scot and I picked the car up we couldn't figure out what the terrible smell was every time I set off at the lights. I was in third gear!
So today I didn't drive. I decided to give myself a break and chill out on the bus, where I couldn't move and was accosted by a twenty year old who prompted me to write about driving instead which ironically is just as exhausting as driving!
Taxi for luckylittlelady........ (Well Uber actually but that's another story)
It's Like Todally, Liderally, Inappropes
It seems that over sharing is a thing in LA. No one seems to want to keep things to themselves. Standing at the bus stop (yes still on the bus!) listening to someone's music (that can only be described as noise, in fact I thought it was the engine of the bus across the street!) it got me thinking about how it's a thing here.
Is it because we are so terribly British that we don't feel the need to share everything with those around us? It's not just in acting class, because however uncomfortable that may make us at least that's part of the process. It's life in general and this sense that everyone around you needs to experience the same thing you are and no one can have private thoughts or moments, everything needs to be said or done out loud.
This may seem ironic to those of you who see me as someone who chats with strangers and speaks my mind but this is a little different.
Take Randy our waiter. 'I'm going to tell you something that is going to blow your mind' 'Great,' we thought 'Is it to do with today's specials?' Nope! 'I...... have...... an......MA'
My Uber driver 'Did a few drivers cancel on you? That's because you have a really poor rating. 4.7 out of five'
The lady working in Banana Republic. 'Are you Australian? You sound Australian? Oh good, I hate the Australian accent'
The man on the train who had spent the night in a prison cell because the police were racist and accused him of drink driving. He was over the limit but that wasn't really the point!
These are just examples of people talking to me. Don't get me started on the amount of public displays of far too much affection, way too many body parts on show and things (plural) that really should only take place in the privacy of someone's bathroom/bedroom/NEVER!
Auditions are also particularly bad for this kind of thing (well not the bedroom/bathroom behaviour but the over sharing definitely) I had the pleasure this morning of being the only female in the waiting room with over 20 men auditioning for a car commercial. Wow! I've never been in a room with that much testosterone on display. Not even at Anfield and that's a lot of blokes! These men were up against each other for the same job so that's a lot of cocks pruning their feathers. 'Oh hi Grace, yes I can definitely make the casting for the Gillette Commercial at 430 today' 'Has anyone else been practising their dance moves for this? I was thinking of doing this (insert crazy, not appropriate in a waiting room, dance move)'
Reel it in people! It's exhausting. Definitely for me but surely for you as well. I dread to think what your facebook status looks like.
Right that's enough of you reading everything that's on my mind this morning I need to stop typing and talk to a stranger on this train about something they should really only be sharing with their therapist. Oh and I have her name and number if you need it.
Is it because we are so terribly British that we don't feel the need to share everything with those around us? It's not just in acting class, because however uncomfortable that may make us at least that's part of the process. It's life in general and this sense that everyone around you needs to experience the same thing you are and no one can have private thoughts or moments, everything needs to be said or done out loud.
This may seem ironic to those of you who see me as someone who chats with strangers and speaks my mind but this is a little different.
Take Randy our waiter. 'I'm going to tell you something that is going to blow your mind' 'Great,' we thought 'Is it to do with today's specials?' Nope! 'I...... have...... an......MA'
My Uber driver 'Did a few drivers cancel on you? That's because you have a really poor rating. 4.7 out of five'
The lady working in Banana Republic. 'Are you Australian? You sound Australian? Oh good, I hate the Australian accent'
The man on the train who had spent the night in a prison cell because the police were racist and accused him of drink driving. He was over the limit but that wasn't really the point!
These are just examples of people talking to me. Don't get me started on the amount of public displays of far too much affection, way too many body parts on show and things (plural) that really should only take place in the privacy of someone's bathroom/bedroom/NEVER!
Auditions are also particularly bad for this kind of thing (well not the bedroom/bathroom behaviour but the over sharing definitely) I had the pleasure this morning of being the only female in the waiting room with over 20 men auditioning for a car commercial. Wow! I've never been in a room with that much testosterone on display. Not even at Anfield and that's a lot of blokes! These men were up against each other for the same job so that's a lot of cocks pruning their feathers. 'Oh hi Grace, yes I can definitely make the casting for the Gillette Commercial at 430 today' 'Has anyone else been practising their dance moves for this? I was thinking of doing this (insert crazy, not appropriate in a waiting room, dance move)'
Reel it in people! It's exhausting. Definitely for me but surely for you as well. I dread to think what your facebook status looks like.
Right that's enough of you reading everything that's on my mind this morning I need to stop typing and talk to a stranger on this train about something they should really only be sharing with their therapist. Oh and I have her name and number if you need it.
My Left Cat*
It's a funny old game acting and it has to be said that on the whole the people involved in this industry can be strange folk. Now this isn't particular to LA. I remember back at home when an actor friend of mine insisted on doing warm up exercises in my living room before meeting my friends for a night of drinking. Whatever it takes I suppose, but still!
The Scot was lucky enough to work on a TV job recently with Daniel Day Lewis. Oh hang on a minute, no he didn't.......... He played a doctor on a TV show and this guy's character thought the doctor was sleeping with his wife. So for the whole day (including over lunch) this bloke shouted profanities at my poor friend and repeatedly told him he was going to kill him. It was very intense, certainly not necessary and didn't really add to anyone's performance (or enjoyment of his sandwich for that matter!)
Auditions are no better. I had an audition a few weeks ago for the role of a policewoman. I may have said that I had my own uniform (what can I say, auditions were sparse for a few weeks, I was desperate!) So when I received an email saying I needed to dress appropriately I stressed for days about it, clearly not to the point of buying or renting the uniform but I was worried. Luckily I didn't look too out of place in the waiting room probably because I turned up early at the time when all the gym instructors were called. Obviously I wasn't trying to be a shirtless 20 something Zac Efron look alike. When a policeman did turn up to partner me in my audition scene (yes an actual policeman) he ignored the script, completely improvised the whole thing, read the casting director his miranda rights and pretended to hand cuff him. I'm not sure that a uniform would actually have helped my performance!
I guess the rule is expect the unexpected. Especially when they don't ask you to prepare anything. I've auditioned for a silent movie with a brilliant script (!) and thought I would prefer to do that than the silent movie only to be told it had already been done, by Mary Tyler Moore in 'Ordinary People'! My favourite (ok worst) audition was probably for an outdoor horror fest where I had to not only act like a zombie but dance (professionally) like one too. You can imagine what I was up against in that room. Oh and The Scot went for an audition and had to read for the role of a cat! I would have given the rest of my savings to see that.
Oh and another rule is that just when you think things can't get any more bizarre, they do but more of that next time. I'm off to practise playing Operation in case I get that call for 'Grey's Anatomy', you just never know!
*I let the Scot name this blog! This was the best of a bad bunch (all involving cats for some reason)
The Scot was lucky enough to work on a TV job recently with Daniel Day Lewis. Oh hang on a minute, no he didn't.......... He played a doctor on a TV show and this guy's character thought the doctor was sleeping with his wife. So for the whole day (including over lunch) this bloke shouted profanities at my poor friend and repeatedly told him he was going to kill him. It was very intense, certainly not necessary and didn't really add to anyone's performance (or enjoyment of his sandwich for that matter!)
Auditions are no better. I had an audition a few weeks ago for the role of a policewoman. I may have said that I had my own uniform (what can I say, auditions were sparse for a few weeks, I was desperate!) So when I received an email saying I needed to dress appropriately I stressed for days about it, clearly not to the point of buying or renting the uniform but I was worried. Luckily I didn't look too out of place in the waiting room probably because I turned up early at the time when all the gym instructors were called. Obviously I wasn't trying to be a shirtless 20 something Zac Efron look alike. When a policeman did turn up to partner me in my audition scene (yes an actual policeman) he ignored the script, completely improvised the whole thing, read the casting director his miranda rights and pretended to hand cuff him. I'm not sure that a uniform would actually have helped my performance!
I guess the rule is expect the unexpected. Especially when they don't ask you to prepare anything. I've auditioned for a silent movie with a brilliant script (!) and thought I would prefer to do that than the silent movie only to be told it had already been done, by Mary Tyler Moore in 'Ordinary People'! My favourite (ok worst) audition was probably for an outdoor horror fest where I had to not only act like a zombie but dance (professionally) like one too. You can imagine what I was up against in that room. Oh and The Scot went for an audition and had to read for the role of a cat! I would have given the rest of my savings to see that.
Oh and another rule is that just when you think things can't get any more bizarre, they do but more of that next time. I'm off to practise playing Operation in case I get that call for 'Grey's Anatomy', you just never know!
*I let the Scot name this blog! This was the best of a bad bunch (all involving cats for some reason)
9021n0t
So season two is under way. I've been back in LA for three weeks and the time has flown by! I had such a great time at home over Christmas and New Year I was a bit worried about coming back. So I decided it was time to start living here properly, two feet in rather than one pointing across the Atlantic.
First stop new accomodation. Thankfully the apartment hunting was finally successful. First stop an air bnb while we wait to move into an apartment at the end of the month. No longer are we in an area that was made famous in rap songs because of people getting shot. No longer am I frightened to leave my bedroom (still not ready to blog about that!) We are (drum roll please....) living in er living at er just living Beverly Hills Adjacent! Yes that's what it's called! I'm not quite sure why it's not just called an actual name, it's a bit like calling it Gateacre Adjacent when you live in Belle Vale (for those not familiar I'm sure you can substitute with your own neighbourhoods) It's actually very nice and deserving of its own name but it is what it is (well more like it's almost like what it's next to!)
Second stop join a gym. I chose one that is a familiar chain even in the UK - not too expensive, there's a lot of different ones you can use and they have really good classes. I was nervous about going. This is the land of fitness. Super skinny, super fit, super buff, super intimidating. Errrr no, not really. This is what I have discovered so far;
Most of the instructors are over 60 (I'm going with 60, the plastic surgery makes it hard to tell sometimes. Could be 60, could be 80)
It's not that fancy. We had to stop one class so someone could kill a cockroach.
There is no gym etiquette. Especially when it comes to the sauna. So far I have seen people fully clothed, shoes and all sitting in there chatting on their mobile phones. Other people are completely naked. No towel, no nothing. It's just women which I suppose is some small mercy but still. Oh and people also use it as a drying room (a bit like Colomendy if you ever went) I don't think they realise that won't work!
You can wear what you want. The Pilates teacher wore jeans. Someone else was in fancy dress (a skeleton if you're interested. The Halloween kind, not the LA kind)
I'm not sure whether I'd prefer to be in one of the fancy gyms in West Hollywood which would be definitely be intimating but a lot less strange. Oh who knows what's strange here any more. I'm off to a dig out my fancy dress costume I wore to the Queen Latifah show.
Property Developments
So the apartment hunting is going well!
Option 1 - House sitting
Me - I'm looking at house sitter websites, how are you with birds?
The Scot - Not great. I can handle chickens and I plucked turkeys one Christmas. I take it you mean the feathered kind? Just say yes to anything, I'll figure it out.
Me - You don't have to kill them, we just have to feed them. OMG welcome to our lives! I HATE birds but at this stage yes, whatever we can get.
Or maybe not.........
Option 2 - (I don't even know what to call this!)
LIVE IN Part time on camera assistant (female) wanted for internationally renowned media sexologist featured on Nightline, Playboy and other media channels. You will be doing basic office, PR, guest coordination, social media, answering the phone during the week as well as assisting with the show ON CAMERA on Saturday nights. In return you will get a nice private room in our new West LA Institute with an erotic art gallery.
Please do NOT be depressed, lazy, illiterate, arrogant or very busy with personal projects or problems.
You will also have the immediate opportunity to earn additional income ($10-$60/hour)
The search continues........
Merry Christmas and a Happy New York!
As I head back Stateside for Season 2 of luckylittlelady I thought I should probably do a Christmas/New Year special to link the two. I'm not sure I ever see the folks of Downton with expanded waistbands and diminished bank accounts by the time the credits roll but then my story hasn't really been on a par with theirs so far so why change now?
So t'was a season to be jolly, Christmas came and the goose got fat and I didn't have to say 'Happy Holidays' once (Ahhh the sweet sounds of 'Happy Chrimbo! All the best lad!)
I had a fab time back home. It went far too quickly and I didn't see enough of the people I did get to see and sadly didn't see some people at all.
I pretty much fulfilled my Christmas wish list. As expected highlights included Tesco's, Primark and Home & Bargain. I hadn't forgotten how to drive, the buses felt like luxury transport, I didn't mind the rain & Cadbury definitely saw an increase in profits, the result of which is probably why my suitcase (& me for that matter!) are heading back overweight!
It's time to get back now though and start living this LA life. I've been out there six months and been home twice! So I head back now not sure when I'll be home again, ready to see what the infamous pilot season has to offer.
First stop is New York for a week which is probably a good thing as the Scot and I haven't actually got anywhere to live in LA! We have a storage facility for our stuff but apparently you have to sign a waiver to say you won't live there. We've had various offers where we have to send people deposits of $1,000 without meeting them or seeing the apartment. Oh & the Scot has been told on more than one occasion that if he was a single, sexy female he could probably move in at very little cost!
And so the adventure continues. Hopefully my next blog won't be coming from my very own shopping trolley at the 218 bus stop on Crenshaw!
So t'was a season to be jolly, Christmas came and the goose got fat and I didn't have to say 'Happy Holidays' once (Ahhh the sweet sounds of 'Happy Chrimbo! All the best lad!)
I had a fab time back home. It went far too quickly and I didn't see enough of the people I did get to see and sadly didn't see some people at all.
I pretty much fulfilled my Christmas wish list. As expected highlights included Tesco's, Primark and Home & Bargain. I hadn't forgotten how to drive, the buses felt like luxury transport, I didn't mind the rain & Cadbury definitely saw an increase in profits, the result of which is probably why my suitcase (& me for that matter!) are heading back overweight!
It's time to get back now though and start living this LA life. I've been out there six months and been home twice! So I head back now not sure when I'll be home again, ready to see what the infamous pilot season has to offer.
First stop is New York for a week which is probably a good thing as the Scot and I haven't actually got anywhere to live in LA! We have a storage facility for our stuff but apparently you have to sign a waiver to say you won't live there. We've had various offers where we have to send people deposits of $1,000 without meeting them or seeing the apartment. Oh & the Scot has been told on more than one occasion that if he was a single, sexy female he could probably move in at very little cost!
And so the adventure continues. Hopefully my next blog won't be coming from my very own shopping trolley at the 218 bus stop on Crenshaw!
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