I'm trying to figure out how different life would be with a car. Apart from the obvious I mean.
With a car I'd turn up to auditions nice and fresh out of the air conditioning, make up still on my face and my hair still straight. I would probably also make acting class as I'd get to the auditions a lot quicker instead of having to head back home in between for more make up and a change of clothes (more to do with the transformation from 'plain suburban pizza eating mom' to 'uptight lawyer getting her groove on to Duke Dumont' than the fact that I've been trekking round in the 100 degree heat!)
With a car I would have all my clothes for my headshot shoot nicely ironed and on hangers in the back rather than turning up laden down with them all inside a Vons bag (the LA equivalent to a Tesco's carrier bag but paper so it looks a bit posher!) all the while hoping that this American has an iron rather than just relying on her tumble dryer!
With a car I'd listen to my music on journeys (maybe even chat to the Scot) rather than having to keep my wits about me on the bus just because you never know what kind of crazy you are going to be faced with next and from what direction!
With a car I'd be able to join in conversations about how I'd found parking, what time my meter was running out and how many tickets I'd had that week because LA people talk about this like we talk about the weather.
With a car I'd be able to go to our local Starbucks after 10pm without being told 'Ma'am we cannot serve you without a car' Seriously!
But where would be the fun in that? Right?
From Liverpool to LA. Should be easy, right?
A Question That Sometimes Drives Me Hazy:
So I was back in the UK for a week to celebrate my birthday and it's so hard explaining to people the differences between there and here and examples of the absolute craziness that is LA. Day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute crazy.
The biggest change home brought was a refurbished Tesco's on Allerton Rd and how crazy white and bright the new lighting was in there. Everything else was pretty much the same as far as I could tell, oh maybe the bus fare had gone up by 10p. But is that just because it's only six weeks since I left? Is it because it's what I've known my whole life and if you were to send someone from LA around for a day they might be doing their own blog about how crazy it all is? Or maybe my levels of what is actually crazy have changed and it takes a lot to top the day to day of here.
The biggest change home brought was a refurbished Tesco's on Allerton Rd and how crazy white and bright the new lighting was in there. Everything else was pretty much the same as far as I could tell, oh maybe the bus fare had gone up by 10p. But is that just because it's only six weeks since I left? Is it because it's what I've known my whole life and if you were to send someone from LA around for a day they might be doing their own blog about how crazy it all is? Or maybe my levels of what is actually crazy have changed and it takes a lot to top the day to day of here.
Remember a few blogs ago when scary was the new normal? Not now. Now crazy is the new normal.
I land at LAX on a direct flight. Usually I go through immigration somewhere on the East Coast and am grilled about my reasons for visiting the country etc etc. Not at LAX. This guy wished me a Happy Birthday and asked for my autograph! I actually had to sign an autograph and explain why it didn't match the name on my passport. Oh and I've ruined TV Court Shows for his poor nan who is going to be amazed that they aren't all real (join the club love!)
I land at LAX on a direct flight. Usually I go through immigration somewhere on the East Coast and am grilled about my reasons for visiting the country etc etc. Not at LAX. This guy wished me a Happy Birthday and asked for my autograph! I actually had to sign an autograph and explain why it didn't match the name on my passport. Oh and I've ruined TV Court Shows for his poor nan who is going to be amazed that they aren't all real (join the club love!)
The funny thing is when I first arrived I was the person buying a bottle of coke and a snickers for a probable homeless man outside CVS. I say probable because by the time I went in to buy it and came back out we think someone different was sat outside and the Scot is convinced I gave them to the wrong person. Someone who wasn't homeless at all but said thanks because they thought I was crazy. This is LA after all. I also gave a man relationship counselling at a bus stop when he was crying because his girlfriend didn't love him any more. So polite. So English.
I spent a week in England and it felt all familiar and cosy and I didn't think I had changed. Then I came back!
The good thing is I know that God and Jesus definitely love me. I was told that a lot on the first day back. Smile, say thank you and move down the bus. Do not be your usual chatty English self.
In the last two days I've seen more body parts of strangers than I ever have seen builders bums in England. I've seen a man dressed as Aladdin with a pair of swimming goggles over his turban. There was a woman on the train letting a dog (a stranger's dog at that!) do things to her that are bordering on illegal in most countries (bear in mind I wouldn't even let the dog we were minding eat our turkey bacon!) Oh and there was the man on a bike riding down Hollywood Boulevard carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
All in a day's work.
Then a man at a bus stop asked if he could share my water. He was probably homeless. He definitely needed the water more than me. I said no. I didn't even give him the bottle. I said 'No, sorry I need it'
Maybe God and Jesus loved me a little less after that.
Take Two. This Time Be British, I Mean American, I Mean taller.
I'm pleased to say I've booked my first two acting jobs since being in LA. The first one was a 'Sizzler' - kind of like a pilot that gets sent to TV Studios and Film companies to spark interest. I auditioned with an American accent and even did the chat with the director in an American accent (I just said uhu a lot!) so the good news is they thought I was American. Then I got the job and they still thought I was American! They probably realised I wasn't when I got the call sheet at one am the night before telling me I had to be 70 miles North of LA by ten the next morning which of course was a Sunday (a lot less public transport) and I had to tell them I don't have a car! Stress number one.
Stress number two was using that stupid phone to try and organise a lift. The lovely producer man on the other end kept shouting at me to drive to Whole Foods near the 405 and meet him there. The 405 is a freeway. People new to LA without a car don't really know where freeways are. People without a car also can't drive to the nearest freeway. By the time the phone had cut out for the third time and I called him back I think he knew I was British when I shouted 'If I had a car I wouldn't need a lift!' (actually maybe I said 'ride') I can't cope with all that and be American at the same time!
So I turned up as British. One of the girls said I sounded like "that one from 'The Parent Trap'" (I don't think she meant Lindsay Lohan!) Cue the director - 'Ooh great we'll do one take in American and one in British'. All very flattering but not that easy. I didn't know if I was coming or going, well my vowels didn't that's for sure! Anyway first job done, I had a great day and luckily managed to get a lift back home to the door. It's probably time to get a car!
Job number two. ****Spoiler Alert**** Just in case you switch your TV on in the near future and see me in front of a Judge on a televised court case, panic ye not. I am not about to be deported. Nor have I actually forgotten I'm British and decided to sue someone at the drop of a hat. Those shows aren't real!! Who knew? Well not me anyway until I auditioned for one.
This was a great job. I was the plaintiff, I got to sue someone for feeding my vegan son meat and I even said 'burger' to the Judge in my accent on TV. You'll have to watch to see his reaction to that! It was a bit scary though (not the accent, the job. Well actually maybe the accent too!) No retakes, they just roll the camera and although you get story and character background it's all improvised. There's a bailiff and everything. Oh actually I lied. There was one retake, when I entered the court room and hit my mark perfectly except they didn't realise I'm not exactly tall and the camera was too high. That was a highlight, along with having to stand on a box for the final comments after the Judge has reached his decision at the end of the show (a bit like when contestants are kicked off 'The Weakest Link')
The decision? Coming soon on KCAL9!
Stress number two was using that stupid phone to try and organise a lift. The lovely producer man on the other end kept shouting at me to drive to Whole Foods near the 405 and meet him there. The 405 is a freeway. People new to LA without a car don't really know where freeways are. People without a car also can't drive to the nearest freeway. By the time the phone had cut out for the third time and I called him back I think he knew I was British when I shouted 'If I had a car I wouldn't need a lift!' (actually maybe I said 'ride') I can't cope with all that and be American at the same time!
So I turned up as British. One of the girls said I sounded like "that one from 'The Parent Trap'" (I don't think she meant Lindsay Lohan!) Cue the director - 'Ooh great we'll do one take in American and one in British'. All very flattering but not that easy. I didn't know if I was coming or going, well my vowels didn't that's for sure! Anyway first job done, I had a great day and luckily managed to get a lift back home to the door. It's probably time to get a car!
Job number two. ****Spoiler Alert**** Just in case you switch your TV on in the near future and see me in front of a Judge on a televised court case, panic ye not. I am not about to be deported. Nor have I actually forgotten I'm British and decided to sue someone at the drop of a hat. Those shows aren't real!! Who knew? Well not me anyway until I auditioned for one.
This was a great job. I was the plaintiff, I got to sue someone for feeding my vegan son meat and I even said 'burger' to the Judge in my accent on TV. You'll have to watch to see his reaction to that! It was a bit scary though (not the accent, the job. Well actually maybe the accent too!) No retakes, they just roll the camera and although you get story and character background it's all improvised. There's a bailiff and everything. Oh actually I lied. There was one retake, when I entered the court room and hit my mark perfectly except they didn't realise I'm not exactly tall and the camera was too high. That was a highlight, along with having to stand on a box for the final comments after the Judge has reached his decision at the end of the show (a bit like when contestants are kicked off 'The Weakest Link')
The decision? Coming soon on KCAL9!
What Did Katie Do Next?
Sorry for the delay in posting. I haven't walked off the edge of the canyon, been eaten by a skunk or held captive by a cult. Oh hang on.......
So you move to a new country and it's all about embracing the unknown, setting yourself new challenges and trying out new things (except the naked tree branch thing) Isn't it? Hmm wasn't my last blog about drawing a line?
We saw a post about a free Actors Seminar at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre so we thought surely this acting coach is just renting a room there, right? Wrong! I didn't actually give it much thought before we went (oh how silly of me!) I asked The Scot if we were likely to see Madonna and if I would get a free bracelet. Apparently not!
The building was lovely, possibly funded by the Celebrities mentioned in the name of the organisation. The seminar was fine, stuff we probably already knew but good to make more contacts in the business. Then in came Derek (his name has been changed to protect me from a law suit. They do that here. A lot!) It was Derek's job to get people to sign up for courses. He was clever. He stuck to the acting theme and went round the room asking people what was stopping them from reaching their full potential. Everyone in the room shared (well everyone that wasn't the two Brits who don't really do this kind of sharing!) A Scientology course was recommended to them based on their 'needs'. Derek wasn't letting us get away with it. We had to share with just him at the end and we were both advised what courses to do. We were still in the spirit of trying all things new so we signed up to a course each which was fairly cheap but we paid none the less.
So you move to a new country and it's all about embracing the unknown, setting yourself new challenges and trying out new things (except the naked tree branch thing) Isn't it? Hmm wasn't my last blog about drawing a line?
We saw a post about a free Actors Seminar at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre so we thought surely this acting coach is just renting a room there, right? Wrong! I didn't actually give it much thought before we went (oh how silly of me!) I asked The Scot if we were likely to see Madonna and if I would get a free bracelet. Apparently not!
The building was lovely, possibly funded by the Celebrities mentioned in the name of the organisation. The seminar was fine, stuff we probably already knew but good to make more contacts in the business. Then in came Derek (his name has been changed to protect me from a law suit. They do that here. A lot!) It was Derek's job to get people to sign up for courses. He was clever. He stuck to the acting theme and went round the room asking people what was stopping them from reaching their full potential. Everyone in the room shared (well everyone that wasn't the two Brits who don't really do this kind of sharing!) A Scientology course was recommended to them based on their 'needs'. Derek wasn't letting us get away with it. We had to share with just him at the end and we were both advised what courses to do. We were still in the spirit of trying all things new so we signed up to a course each which was fairly cheap but we paid none the less.
Mine was a business course so I thought oh this will be fine, it's just like doing a course at the Community College but maybe Tom Cruise will stop by. Wrong again! On both counts!
The course itself would probably have been ok (well maybe if it had been at Mabel Fletcher) Despite how nice the building was you weren't really allowed to do anything. You couldn't have water in the room, you couldn't have your phone, you couldn't talk and fun was definitely out of the question. All big problems for me. If you're not allowed to make a sound during childbirth you're certainly not allowed to speak to your friend just for the sheer fun of it. My course took two afternoons. The first one was ok. The Scot came with me and we got through it. The second time I went on my own. Oh how foolish. I was told off a lot that day! One time because I was 45 seconds late back after the break.
Enough was enough! I finished the course and tried to leave. That was at ten to six. I was still there at eight o'clock. Apparently the experience for people is usually so great that they sign up to the next course straight away. I didn't. I clearly needed help. Those two hours were spent in a series of rooms with different people telling me why I needed to do another course.
Me - 'I don't have time, I need to be able to access my phone/email for acting jobs. You won't let me do that'
Scientology Person (Sp) - 'We have a course for time management' (reaches for book off shelf)
Me - 'I know how to do it, you just need to let me leave so I actually can do it'
Next room, after they ran the results of the personality test I filled in (why oh why?)
Sp- 'Your chart shows you are terrible at all relationships, they are showing as critical on the graph. You must do this relationships course next'
Me - 'I'm not terrible at relationships. I have a great family and great friends. I disagree'
Sp - 'The results of your personality test show that you will disagree with the results of your personality test'
You get the point. This went on for two whole hours and of course I could have walked out the door at any time but I didn't want to be rude. I was finally 'allowed' to leave after being reminded that the Celebrity Centre was probably the only place in LA where you could go and people wanted nothing from you other than to help you. I politely reminded him 'I PAID FOR THIS COURSE!'
They've been in touch a lot since. Texts, calls, emails. The Scot didn't go back after hearing my horror story so I think they've given up on him. They've clearly seen something in me that needs fixing. I've learnt my lesson, I won't be going back.
Which way did Madge go?
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